I barely got this column to my editor on time this week and it’s all because I tried to do the right thing.
I’ve been using computers since I bought my first word processor in 1986. I was taking a college writing course and I figured it would be easier to do my homework on a computer instead of the typewriter I had always used.
And it was easier - until something went wrong and then I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to fix it. Sure, I don’t know much about fixing my car when it breaks down either, but I do know there are dozens of qualified mechanics in town who can get me back on the road. But that is definitely not the case with computers.
When my first computer crashed, the only place I could find to get it fixed was in Chicago. That meant I would have to pay for shipping the 50-pound monster to them and then wait two weeks for it to come back to me. But being the cheap guy that I am, I figured it would save me a small fortune if I just drove it to Chicago myself and waited at the shop while it was being repaired.
Good idea in theory, but my tail lights weren’t working so I couldn’t signal for any turns on the freeway. All I could do was hit the accelerator and hope the guy next to me saw me pulling in front of him. But one good thing about Chicago drivers, they didn’t seem to mind. In fact, they all just waved at me. Or at least I think that was a wave.
Needless to say, as soon as I could afford a new computer, I got rid of that beast and upgraded my computer. Sure, it was a basic model, but at least I made sure it came with an instruction manual so I would never have to make that Chicago trip again.
The only problem was the manual was written is some foreign language - or at least it looked like a foreign language to me. So every time my screen went blank because I hit the wrong button and erased everything I had been working on for six hours - which was fairly often - I still had to get help fixing the darned thing.
So this time I bought what I thought to be a state-of-the art computer that came with a 24-hour hotline number I could call and get whatever help I needed. No more Chicago trips. No more drivers giving me all sorts of hand gestures. No more Greek instruction manuals.
Of course, the hotline was always busy no matter what time I called - apparently I wasn’t the only one hitting the wrong buttons, so eventually I bought a computer the salesman assured me “even an idiot could use.”
Well, this idiot got an email last week that nearly destroyed my computer and erased everything I had been working on for the past four years. Like most people, 99 percent of the email that I get is junk. But some of the stuff is legitimate, like important information about keeping my computer updated, especially with so many viruses that I keep hearing about.
So when I got an email from what I thought to be Microsoft, I assumed it was a legitimate piece of mail warning me to “Use this internet patch now! There is a dangerous virus in the Internet now! More than 500,000 already infected.”
So I did the right thing. I downloaded the patch and now there are 500,001 computers infected with what is probably the worst virus I have ever seen.
All my photos, all my columns, all my checking accounts, all the papers I have written for the past four years, all hopelessly locked up in a top-of-the-line computer that was now absolutely useless.
The good news is that eventually I was able to get my computer up and running again, and I was even able to restore all my files, all without driving to Chicago or spending three days on the telephone waiting for a technician in India to help me. I found a local solution - two kids actually who were able to fix my problem for me in about 10 minutes.
Now I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, but when it comes to computers, the smartest thing I can do is keep the name of those two kids on my speed dial.
John Graham is an Advocate Columnist. His column appears each Sunday in the Advocate. He can be reached at jgraham19@woh.rr.com.
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