Although all parents say we love the idea of spending more time with our kids, that delusion lasts for about three days after school is out for the summer. That's when mom and dad start talking about all the benefits of summer camp.
"We want them to have a positive learning experience in the summer, they tell one another. Or maybe, "they need to meet new friends." Or even, "they need to experience more of nature." But the truth is that most parents hyperventilate at the thought of having their darlings home all summer long with nothing to do but nag about having nothing to do.
I remember the summer I turned 15. The first time I said I was bored my parents put me on a Greyhound and sent me to upstate New York for the summer to a camp they had never seen, but heard from a neighbor, who had a friend, whose first cousin said her kids loved it when the juvenile court sent them there last year.
That was good enough for my parents. So they handed me a suitcase and told me they wanted me to have a positive learning experience and meet new friends by experiencing nature 500 miles from home.
"It's called Camp Serendipity. You'll love it," they called out to me as my bus pulled out onto the highway.
In my first week at camp we learned survival skills when our counselors drove us out into the woods and told us to find our way back home. "Don't worry about the bears," they assured us as they pushed us out of the camp bus. "There hasn't been an attack in weeks. But just in case, keep the campfire going all night. That usually scares them off."
I guess it worked well enough because we didn't see a single bear the whole three days we wandered around lost. Unfortunately, we started a forest fire when we heard what we were convinced was a giant grizzly circling our camp and we built a really big fire to fend him off. But on the bright side, we did get a ride back to camp with the firemen.
The next week they taught us water safety, like how to row a canoe really fast when a lightning storm is coming. It's amazing how fast a canoe can move when you are properly motivated.
In spite of the best efforts of our counselors, I survived my camp experience more or less intact, and looking back, I'm probably a stronger person because of it, although I still won't go near a canoe.
But from what I have been reading lately, kids today won't be able to experience the same summer camp pleasures that I did at Camp Serendipity. No more wilderness adventures, no more making friends with the firemen, no more canoe trips. Instead camps now are more like an audition with Donald Trump.
"Experts say parents want their kids working toward some tangible skill or having a high-caliber experience, preferably one that looks good on a college application," writes Michele Orecklin in a Time magazine article called "The Purpose-Driven Summer Camp."
For ten-year-old Russell Lyons' camp experience is pretty typical. Since he wants to have a career in the film industry, his parents sent him to Hollywood Stunt Camp where he got professional instruction on taking 40-foot free falls onto mats and choreographing fight scenes. Lyons, who already has an agent and has auditioned for several movie parts, says, "If I ever have to do my own stunts on a shoot, I'm ready."
If your child prodigy is more interested in a career with the CIA, then Secret Agent Camp (I am not making this up) might be of interest. Or maybe Rock Star Camp for those who want to be the next Mick Jagger. Or if your darling isn't musically inclined, but really loves to shop, there is always Fashion Designer Camp.
But my favorite is Spa Camp. Here your little princess can spend her summer learning beauty tips, working out with a personal trainer, studying proper nutrition and discovering inner peace through meditation and yoga.
"We've come to realize that camp is much more than recreation. It's a total education experience," according to Marla Coleman, who is the past president of the American Camp Association.
It's also a total money-making experience. These specialty camps cost an average of $1,100 per week. And Spa Camp costs $1,445 a week. I guess inner peace doesn't come cheap. I never knew how deprived my childhood was until now. If my parents had loved me as much as these parents love their kids, they would have sent me to one of these great camps. Then today instead of writing this column I might be a famous Hollywood stuntman falling off cliffs and getting run over by a car for a living; or maybe lead guitar in some rock band that spends most of its time between gigs at the Betty Ford Clinic; or if they really loved me, then I might have gotten my dream job as a yoga meditation instructor at some posh summer camp.
John Graham is an Advocate Columnist. His column appears each Sunday in the Advocate. He can be reached at jgraham19@woh.rr.com.
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